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Saturday, September 24th, 2005
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12:31 am - Voices of an Angel
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Whispers in the dark of night,
While lying next to me.
Loving words of encouragement,
When I thought all was lost.
Soothing coos to ease my fears,
When nightmares claimed my mind.
And a laughter to lighten my heart,
When the pressure of the world held it down.
current mood:  touched
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, September 22nd, 2005
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12:10 am - My Angel
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Memories of my Beautiful Wife.
I wish I could have found the path to Heaven so many years ago. Even if I had to end my life and make it a one way trip. It would have been worth it all just to have met my Angel then and have so many more happy memories of her. As it is I have many now that I cherish. I never realized that I was already in Heaven until my Angel left me. Now I still see her hovering above me in the sky just out of reach. Try as I might I will never be able to rise to her level. My only hope it to convince her to once again come back to me.
She once showed me visions of her memories. Pieces of her past. Happy times, sad time. It didn’t matter to me as long as she let me into those long ago thoughts.
She chased away my Demons, when they visited me late at night, as I was deep in sleep. Her touch wood sooth my racing heart. Her voice could ease my breathing. I would lie there in her arms and listen to her and know I was finally safe. Since she has been gone the Demons have returned.
I need her back in my life. Only I don’t know how to get her back. I am lost.
current mood:  lonely
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, September 14th, 2005
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3:02 am - On the rocks
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Tierney and I are still married but separated at the moment. We went to con together and things seemed good. We wen out drinking together. She told me that she loved me and missed me and that she was happy. But after con was over it went bad again. I have found that she is talking to an old bf again and has told him that she wants to know if he would date her again. This crushed me. I need her in my life and she tells me that we are going to try. We are supposed to sit down and talk next week when she gets back from a trip to Fla. to visit some friends. She knows I am trying to get better and that I miss and love her. I have only my hope left that things will get better. That she will come back to me and the boys. That we will be able to get her son and all live together. I dream about her every night and think of her at least 5000 times a day. It seems that every some on the radio reminds me of her.
She is my world and the light in my sky.
I need her in my life more then she knows.
My insides are empty without her.
I am lost.
Fire
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, August 9th, 2005
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11:23 am - lost in the wirlwind of life
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I have needed to update this for a long time but I have no idea where to begin.
Last time was when Tierney and I were trying to work things out and get us straight. So let me fill you in on some things since then.
We did get back together, Got married on Jan. 14 but since we had not previously filed the official date was registered on Feb. 14 one month later. Got a place for just us to live. Things we going good for a while but when the money got tight she got upset more often. Her friends tell me that she has never been able to handle stress well. And with her being bi-polar and not on meds it was worse. We were evicted on the end of June because money was just too tight. She stressed out and left. I had to take care of most of her things for her so it would not get put on the street. We got back together and went to a counselor who gave us advice and instructions on what we needed to do. But we didn’t have the money to do them yet. As of July 30 she is gone again. Money again is a main factor for stress on both of us. Plus her mother was getting her to help move during the tax free weekend and we had made plans so of course I got upset when she didn’t come home to go shopping with me and the boys and lost my head. That was the last time the boys saw her. They have written her letters telling her how much they miss her and want to see her again but I really don’t think it will happen. I have seen her since then to deliver some of her clothes to her but each time she snaps at me and it starts over.
I have realized as of late that in this regard she acts just like my mom. That is why I always have an issue when we fight. I can no longer that the yelling. That is my issue and not hers but I am working on that. I have arranged for counseling for me to help me with my anger problem. I can only hope she finds the help she needs for her anger and find a way to get the meds she needs.
I had hoped I would wake up in my bed at the ripe old age of 90 and roll over to see her face. I have told her this and she like the thought but now she tells me she is gone.
She told me before we wed that marriage meant a lot to her and that she would never give up. (Wrong)
She told me she would go to counseling with me and do what they told us to get things worked out. We went to one session and she was told to get meds and go to anger management like me. But at the time we could not afford it and we were looking for a house so I put all my efforts into that. She took this to mean I gave up on the counseling and so she gave up on me.
I do love my wife very much. I love her son as well. She loves my boys and they her. So the only thing wrong here is she and I need to get our problems worked out. I don’t think I will ever have that chance. I cannot give up on her either way.
The confusing thing is that she told me she would send me money to help with my bills and go places with me and hang out. But that she was not coming back. Why would she do these other things if she didn’t want to work it out?
I am not asking you to tell me the answers, I just need to let this out and I cant talk to anyone. Most people don’t care enough to listen and those that do seem to be tired of listening to me. A few seem to really care but I no longer am close enough to them for them to help. So I am alone. And it seems soon that I will truly be alone again.
My heart breaks fresh each time I think of her which is about a thousand times a day.
I almost got drunk the other day to try and forget her but since I am diabetic I talked myself out of it and was just depressed for the day instead.
I think that is enough moping for now.
current mood: suicidal at times
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, November 14th, 2004
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4:10 pm - I'm worth $1,880,510.24!
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| Thursday, November 11th, 2004
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6:31 pm - Tierney
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I heard from her last night and we talked for over 7 hours.
I was so happy to hear from her.
Seems like she is a whole new person.
I hope things work out ok.
If you know me and know how much I care for her tell her for me.
Send her an email or something.
Be nice
Jeff
current mood:  hopeful
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, October 3rd, 2004
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2:02 am - I'm gone
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As of 12:30 am this morning I spoke to Tierney and was told in her loud drunk fasion that we are through. She didn't want to come home cause she was drunk and having fun.
Thanks to her I am not allowed back at my mothers place, or my friends Chris' and also thanks to her I think I have lost my job.
I had planned to ask her to marry me on our 1 year anniversary which is in just over 2 weeks (16 days)or October 19,2004. I love her so much I don't know what to do.
I have no place to go, and have finally lost my mind.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Saturday, October 2nd, 2004
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1:32 am - Lost my mind
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T and I have be at ends as of late.
Now she has disappeared for 2 days and refuses to speak to me.
Looks like I may be moving soon.
She lost her job and with out her daily cash income to get me gas I cant work.
Some one please tell me what to do.
current mood:  scared
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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1:32 am
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| Thursday, September 9th, 2004
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11:27 pm - Con is Gone
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Another year in the bag.
Ups and downs were abundant.
- fight with gf
- gf caused fight with old friend(but old friend jumped to conclusions without talking to me first.)
- forced to sleep on the floor due to car wreck and not being able to afford a room
- nervous break down
+ Got to meet and talk with Dr. Who(Peter Davidson)
+ got to sit and watch the masquerade instead of having to work it
+ was able to get my padawan to open up a bit and have fun. (dance, meet and talk to people, get buzzed)
+ seeing old friends
+ Running "are you a werewolf?"
current mood:  exhausted
current music: Angel : Sarah McLachlan ; City of Angels
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, July 29th, 2004
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12:39 pm - bored
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| Wednesday, July 21st, 2004
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2:55 pm - Really...
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 I am Judgement
Judgement can be a reminder that judgments are necessary; sometimes you must decide. At such moments, it is best to consider the matter carefully and then commit yourself without censure. If you are being judged yourself, learn from the process. Take what is of value, correct what needs correcting, but never lose sight of your worth. For a full description of your card and other goodies, please visit LearnTarot.com
| What tarot card are you? Enter your birthdate.
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, July 18th, 2004
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4:07 am - It has come to my attention
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He has an incurable std that makes you sterile and has potentially given it to petal and then me. Once she found out she took all my pain pills in an attempt to OD. Stay away from me or I WILL kill you.
current mood: Bloodthirsty
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, July 16th, 2004
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1:00 pm - Hatred for a former friend
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Billy if I ever see you again I cannot be responsible for my actions. I advise you to stay clear of me and mine. Do not speak to me, Call either of us, or write us. I gave you a chance to leave, that was your courtesy for being my friend for the last couple years. You will receive no such gestures in the future. This is not a joke. This is not a threat. You took from me the one thing I loved and wanted most. Karma will pay you for what you did, and so will I.
current mood:  infuriated
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, July 9th, 2004
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12:18 am
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| Friday, February 13th, 2004
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8:11 pm - Has it been that long?
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Here is another installment in the boring life of me.
Just over a month to go before I'm back looking for a job.
Birthday is soon.
No I'm not telling you when.
If you don't know you don't need to know.
Nation States goes on:
Back to a "Father Knows Best State"
The Empire of SilverThorne is a massive, safe nation, renowned for its punitive income tax rates. Its hard-nosed, cynical population of 1.71 billion are ruled by a mostly-benevolent dictator, who grants the populace the freedom to live their own lives but watches carefully for anyone to slip up.
It is difficult to tell where the omnipresent, corrupt government stops and the rest of society begins, but it juggles the competing demands of Education, Law & Order, and Defence. The average income tax rate is 93%, and even higher for the wealthy. A powerhouse of a private sector is dominated by the Automobile Manufacturing industry.
A cyber-war between file sharers and the music industry formats harddives accross the country, it is illegal to make racist remarks in public, scenic mountain valleys are flooded with water as damming projects get underway, and citizens are permitted to carry concealed handguns. Crime -- especially youth-related -- is totally unknown, thanks to the all-pervasive police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. SilverThorne's national animal is the Wolverine, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests, and its currency is the Golden Petal.
SilverThorne is ranked 4th in the region and 105,434th in the world for Largest Agricultural Sector.
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, December 30th, 2003
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4:35 pm - my latest quiz...
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| Saturday, November 22nd, 2003
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1:53 pm - What a day
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here is the latest update from my Nation States game...
The Empire of SilverThorne is a massive, environmentally stunning nation, remarkable for its punitive income tax rates. Its hard-nosed, cynical population of 1.203 billion are ruled by a mostly-benevolent dictator, who grants the populace the freedom to live their own lives but watches carefully for anyone to slip up.
It is difficult to tell where the omnipresent, corrupt government stops and the rest of society begins, but it is mainly concerned with Education, although Defence and Law & Order are on the agenda. The average income tax rate is 58%. A powerhouse of a private sector is dominated by the Book Publishing industry.
The nation is currently revamping its entire education system, people are now classified as male, female, or genderqueer, convicted felons are forced into slavery for their crimes, and the government's religious works are headed by a New Age guru. Crime -- especially youth-related -- is totally unknown, thanks to the all-pervasive police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. SilverThorne's national animal is the wolverine, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests, and its currency is the Golden Petal.
SilverThorne is ranked 1st in the region and 21,069th in the world for Most Subsidized Industry.
Fun.
today is the ex's b-day
was tempted to call her and tell her happy b-day
then i thought why
she left me with no explination
i owe her nothing
to my angel and demon
luv you both
to my blond rebel
love you too
mama lola
finsh and make me proud
Strawberry
you and your bug are loved
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, October 25th, 2003
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2:38 pm - Find your inner dragon
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A WHITE Dragon Lies Beneath!
My inner dragon is one of two harmonious dragons (the other is Black). On the inside I am the perfect example of balance, patience, power, and reclusive intelligence. Evil-doers beware; my breath weapon is a combination of fire and lightning. Even the nicest dragons can do some serious damage. Click the image to try the Inner Dragon Online Quiz for yourself.
If there ever was an apparition of balance, power and reclusive intelligence, your Inner Dragon is it. Whites are a fairly common dragon and are considered one of two harmonious dragons. Your antithesis is the evil Black Dragon. Together, you two embody the Yin and Yang concept of eastern religions (especially Taoism).
Though you might find that neat in passing, it's not really what a White is all about. You like to think things out, plot against enemies, and look down upon the world from the highest mountain peaks. Your favorable attributes are the Day, the Sun, reaching for spirituality, truth, a positive attitude, and helpful magic. Humans only need fear you when they stray into your domain without proper payment for passage. Of course, that payment would probably be a cake the size of a Volkswagen, but hey, if they wanted to move through your turf they should have brought it, right? If someone ever threatens you, your Inner Dragon would likely tell you to hit and run, or just plain run. If they really wanted a fight you'd be an impressive opponent, considering you pack a breath weapon combination of Fire and Lightning. Even the nicest dragons can do some serious damage.
current music: Breaking the habit
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, October 6th, 2003
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7:49 pm - News flash
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Just found out that the friend i was supposed to go to diner with tonite was shot in a shoot out last night on the job.He is a police friend, he is ok now but damn that was a shock to hear.
Im going to go out for drinks tonite with friends.
A lot has happened as of late and i think i need it.
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(comment on this)
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